They say there’s a lid for every pot.
But they don’t say anything about how or where to find the lid. How do you even start looking for a perfect partner? My dream partner certainly holds expectations that aren’t even mine. I’ve learned my parents’ standards by heart: financial stability, raised in a “good” family (whatever that means), and for the love of God (as my mom would say), they shouldn’t be drinkers, smokers, or gamblers. After a few heartbreaks following my parents’ list, I added my own checkboxes: someone who is kind, smart, and of course good looking because my mom always told me I’m so pretty. How am I going to check all these boxes as you show up on my Tinder, Bumble or Happn? Swiping left to the fugly might mean saying bye bye to the financial stability my parents seek, while swiping right to the hot one might bring death by boredom during the first date.
Every time a match disappears from my dating apps it reminds me of the other side of the coin. That there are two parts to a perfect couple. Supply and demand, so to say. I know what I’m investing in, but what is the price I must pay? What is the perfect partner mold I have to fit in? Am I supposed to serve breakfast in bed, be amazing in bed, AND be the one to always make the bed? Hmm.. should I start wrapping my head around being someone else’s bed servant? It makes me wonder. Are these three stereotypes even compatible with each other?
Packed into one single human:
- the kind and loving
- the sexy and kinky
- the responsible grown up that has it all figured out
Does that even fit? I gave it a try. I spent a fortune on therapy, went to the gym daily, got a masterclass in Kama-Sutra, and read all the self help books out there. Trying to be the perfect partner, maintaining my relationships with friends and family seemed like mission impossible.
My mission failed because of the bad guy being better. The competition is killing. There is always someone better out there. My last breakup was due to my ex finding someone hotter than me, when I was feeling my fittest! And let me tell you, that stung like hell. It hurts to feel like your best is not good enough. It made me doubt myself. That whole experience made me stop and think. Wow, I’ve been doing exactly the same to others. I’ve been a cold bitch, holding people up to impossible high standards. After that last breakup, whenever I look at the checklist from my old self and my parents, I feel a deep voice in my tummy saying:
“How about no?”
How about being yourself? And how about looking for someone who dares to be themselves too? Wouldn’t that be the real dream team? Two people committed to being the best version of themselves. Not being perfect, but being themselves. And a relationship that allows room to change every step of the way, as long as you remain true to yourself.
Okay, crazy idea: I dare you to redefine perfection in a relationship as realness. To value what’s authentic, genuine, and sincere as the new perfect. Imagine, you inspire each other to make mistakes and admit it. To live from authenticity, as messy as that might look in action. You become a team that grows together, falling, learning, and getting back up together… Discovering your biases as a man and/or a woman in a relationship, and rewriting this programming, to fit you and your partner, and only the two of you. Not your parents, not your friends, not cultural standards. You help rediscover each other anew, outside of these social attachments. Co creating your own version of a perfect life. Now THAT’S where it’s at.
So, how about some food for thought? If you gathered complaints about your partner throughout covid and lockdown (like me), remember: the only perfect partner that exists is the one that rides it out with you through the imperfections of life. It’s the one that swims through the unexpected waves of change with you, and makes an effort to welcome you as you are.
If you feel like working on being that kind of person, join me.